I’m Fine…
I have said that phrase so many times, as I’m sure you have too.
I have skated around telling people how I really feel for so long, that I forgot to tell the people that actually want to know.
People that actually care and want the real answer; like my closest friends, family, and spouse.
You see, I had always heard that communication was the secret to lasting relationships, but when I tried communicating, it didn’t end well.
Almost everyone ended up mad or reacted negatively.
Until I met Kyle, I had no idea how to effectively communicate.
I’d say things like, I’m fine, to avoid the real issue and then blow up at the littlest thing because I had bottled up so many things, that they added up to this mountain of emotions.
You probably know what I’m talking about.
When I met Kyle, I had written on my list that I wanted my future spouse to be a good communicator; even though I didn’t realize how bad I was at it!
Then one night I said, “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.” even though there was, and he called me out.
He explained that when I don’t tell him whats going on, it’s not fair to him. He knew me well enough to know that I would explode later because of many unresolved issues that seemed small at the time, so he lovingly, but firmly, taught me how to share my emotions.
I’ve probably mentioned that I am an enneagram 1. We enneagram 1s are called The Reformers. We like order and our deepest desire is to be good.
If you know anything about me, you know that’s the most accurate thing you’ve ever heard.
For some reason, I felt that my emotions were bad. Getting upset wasn’t the “right” thing, so I needed to shove that down as far as it would go because no one can know I am bad and have emotions.
Obviously, that is ridiculous.
And I am still learning to gracefully express what I need or that I am feeling a certain way…
To effectively communicate with the people that care about me most in my life.
Another side of effective communication is listening.
You can speak with grace and perfect words, but if you don’t listen to the response of the one you communicated to, all of the talking was just hot air.
The thing I learned about listening is that there are two ways to listen:
in order to respond
and in order to understand.
When you listen to respond, you’re on the defense already. You are prepared to “fight back” when the person is talking. I spent so many years thinking that I should be ready with a come back and planning what to say if they said a certain thing.
Literally, I would have practice conversations about what to say if someone said such and such. It was such an unhealthy way to be in a relationship, but I was immature and didn’t know better.
Once I realized that even in a discussion or “fight,” you can have the same goal: it seriously changed my life.
So instead of “I’m fine,” tell that person how you actually feel, calmly and with as much grace as you can muster of course.
Often times, the person you tell has no clue that you actually feel that way and would appreciate your honesty.
Allow yourself to feel those emotions and be ok with them without living in them.
Address it and bless it.
Effective communication is the key to relationships.
Don’t throw the key out for the sake of convenience.
It’s not worth the struggle.
Comments